copyright © 1997, 2004, 2005 Scott Owen

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
- Oscar Wilde

I believe in God. This is something of which, as with only a handful of other things in my life, I have been aware since I can remember. I am writing this to provide some insight into a major aspect of my life - something which both moves, motivates and guides me.

One of the struggles I've had in my life is escaping the straight-jackets of conformity, of people's expectations and prejudices. It took me quite some years to realise that just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have to fulfill some stereotypical expectation people have of gays. Similarly, in 'coming out' regarding my belief as it were (with many parallels as a prelude to my coming out as being gay), I have had to deal with what my family's and friends' images of what a Christian is. For so long, I felt I had to justify myself to those people, or prove that I am not like their stereotype. But what troubled me was that, in doing so, I felt I was pandering to their opinions and indirectly lending credibility to their prejudices towards 'the others'. In the end, I've found the 'least worst' approach is to try to walk my own path and avoid being labelled, and I celebrate those who walk their own path.

I was raised in your average loving family, but one in which an active faith was (is) not present. My parents vaguely believed in Christian Science (not to be confused with Scientology!), however this manifested itself more in a form of superstitions regarding medications and doctors than in a belief in God. Still, my mother once said that she did not believe in God; that she could not believe in a God that would allow such pain to continue in the world. At first glance, one might conclude that she didn't believe, but it struck me more as a struggle with belief.

Foundation

Whereas some remain with a 'niggling doubt' that there might be no God and their efforts to be 'good' are a waste of time, I always remember having a 'niggling belief' in God, and I began to actively explore that belief after I left home to attend university. Simply put, whatever doubts or questions I may have, I remain with a fundamental belief in God. Not to be confused with fundamentalism - I am far from that - but a soul-deep awareness of a greater presence. I recognise that this is vague and that there's some distance between 'greater presence' and Christianity.

When I go to a ballet and witness the interaction between the dancers, orchestra, lighting, sets and audience, it seems so absurd to me to say that this is some chain-reaction of cause-and-effect, some bumping of atoms against one another absorbing and releasing energy in the form of light and sound waves which, when impacting upon the retinas and ear-drums of the others trigger electro-chemical reactions which cause them to react in just the right way, and that this chain reaction is part of a bigger reaction which has successfully continued over millions of years. Life is full of such complicated interactions - such as me typing this essay and you reading it -, and it strikes me as terribly simplistic - indeed, denial - to conclude that we are nothing more than cogs in a cause-and-effect or quantum-mechanically-random machine. This seems blind to the wonder about us; just as blind as the fundamentalists are, who deny archeological finds because they are afraid to consider the creation story in Genesis as anything but a history text.

I've had some sort of intrinsic belief - I've prayed - since I was only a few years old, but as I have grown older and felt the need (pressure?) to justify my faith, I suppose the above argument forms the more 'reasoned' basis for my belief that there is more, that there is some purpose and that there is some supernatural presence.

Horizontal and Vertical

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

I believe the vast majority of people live their lives as dogs: conscious of living, but not conscious of being conscious. Most people spend their lives - and I spend much of my life - busy with the day-to-day activities of working, shopping, socialising, conforming and moving with the pack.

Every once in a while however, I look with a 'fresh perspective' at everyday things; I look upwards toward the stars and I marvel at the glorious beauty; I consider the flames leaping off a star at this very moment, lonely and unobserved, trillions of miles away; I visit a quiet church in the middle of a busy city, while smelling the incense and watching a small flame flicker in the darkness; I experience real joy in dancing; and I am overwhelmed at the mystery and the wonder of this existence. Most of our lives are spent thinking horizontally, and it's on occasions such as these that we think vertically. In a society concerned mainly with mundane, horizontal business, I think it's important to take the time to look up to see the heavens - both literally and figuratively.

A Chosen Path

So why Christianity? Part of the answer is, unquestionably, that I was born into a so-called 'Christian' culture. But in such a culture full of traditions and centuries'-old presumptions and tired interpretations, it can be even harder to discover what Christianity - Christ's message - is really about.

I must say that I'm willing to consider many different views on 'what this is all about', and that I believe that Christianity is one of perhaps many valid perspectives on the answer, like a house with many windows. Also, I have come to realise that there are as many 'Gods' (i.e. opinions on what God is) as there are believers; that there are as many versions of 'Christianity' as there are Christians: this is intrinsic to the very personal nature of spirituality.

That said, I have personally found the most Truth in Christ's message. Whereas many religions are passive and/or selfish (i.e. self-centred), Christ advocated an active love for God and our neighbour (i.e. our neighbour in the broadest sense). Whereas many religions advocate violence for conversion or punishment - and even many Christians have perpetrated violence supposedly in the name of God - Christ unequivocally denounced violence.

I must also admit that the most fascinating and intellectually intoxicating element of Christianity is that Truth is always revealed in contradictions and paradoxes, and this so resonates with my own experience in life. One finds oneself by losing oneself; one is born by dying; one becomes spiritually rich by being spiritually poor; one receives in abundance by giving in abundance.

I think the questions of being saved if born 'under the right conditions', outside of one's control, are human inventions, struggling to understand something which is infinite and time-less, within the constraints of a two-dimensional time-line. If we, as simple humans, see the injustice of this, then God surely sees this, for otherwise it simply is not God.

He, She, It

I don't believe God has a particular sex or sexuality, but I do believe that our sexes and sexualities are contained within His presence. I fully appreciate the desire by many people to see and understand more of God's multi-faceted nature, instead of only through the limited lens of our earthly languages. People may ridicule political correctness, but it is just as ridiculous to deny the subtle connotations, history and traditions - the politics - contained within words. Political-correctness's prime failing, however, is that it knows no boundaries: By their very (limited) nature - in that they identify and define things -, words will exclude others.

I cannot refer to God as "It", for it lacks a dignity, and the indication of a living 'personality'. At the same time, the studied replacement of "He" with "She" in the Bible strikes me as a denial of history and historical context, like a vegetarian trying to remove all biblical references to animal sacrifices. If we are to grow in our understanding, we must go forward to make new history, rather than looking back to change old history. I would advocate finding a new word, to take it out of the political arena, and reflect our evolving understanding of God. In the absence of which, in this text, I use "He", which I sincerely intend as politically neutral.

Bad Things and Good People

So why do bad things happen to good people? That's a big question, and one which I've struggled with, avoided, and later confronted. In particular, two major confrontations with this question - 9/11 and the hiv-infection of a friend - were devastating earthquakes to my frail house of belief. (In the case of 9/11, I could not comprehend why the prayers of thousands - the people in the World Trade Centre and the passengers aboard the planes - went unanswered, and yet apparently the prayers of the killers were answered.) These two things together led to my world almost caving in. They played a big part in causing me to re-examine my so-called belief(s) - and indeed much of my life -  from the ground up: What was I doing and saying, what was I believing, and why? The process of rebuilding and of (re-)finding myself and my belief has been slow. As paradoxical as it may sound, the acceptance of doubts and unanswered questions has resulted in a sense of self and faith which is perhaps stronger, and less 'anxious', than before.

This question needs to be asked, this question needs to be confronted (although perhaps not answered?). To respond to it, I have to first deal with two issues, namely power and prayer.

Let me start by saying that I believe that God is omnipotent (i.e. all-powerful), not in the traditional human way of seeing power - as physical strength over another - but in the sense that Truth is all-powerful: in being able to stand and move in the face of any opposition. People who need to see God as one of physical power get tied-up in questions such as whether or not God can create a stone too big for Himself to move. Coming to understand God's power in His Truth has been very liberating for me.

Secondly, I do not believe in a God which answers our prayers to heal someone for our sakes, or give us a passing exam-grade after the fact, or one who saves our loved-ones in an aircraft disaster. It simply does not make sense to me that a compassionate and loving God would not rescue someone until I called upon Him to do so - and leave the un-prayed-for victims to die; or that He would retroactively change exam-results in such a manner as to satisfy all the people who prayed.

Would a loving God create a child born with an open spine? Would He heal that child only when someone prayed, and otherwise not? Would a loving God heal only some brain tumours or save some earthquake victims as a sign, that we might believe? These would be petty and childish acts, and don't befit the wondrousness of the Spirit in which I believe. In my opinion, only an insecure god would need such acts to get and keep its believers.

I believe prayer is a way of opening ourselves to God's power - that is, His Truth and compassion - to learn and understand, to be humble and help others. To paraphrase the character Tess, from Touched by an Angel, "Faith and prayers are not for getting around problems, but for getting through them." I believe that prayer can be used as a conduit to others, through God, and in this way our prayers can help and heal others with God's Truth. As such, prayer can be a very strong force in our lives.

I believe that prayer is a healing force, in all senses. I don't understand how (i.e. the nature by which) God acts as a conduit for prayer, but I believe that we are all connected to and through God, if we allow that to happen by opening ourselves. I don't know how it can make sense that God would only act when one is prayed for, but I think it can only make sense in the idea of building some 'strength' and in our lowering our defences to allow it in. I suppose it sounds a bit New-Age-ish, and perhaps I'm limited by seeing God through human eyes.

After power and prayer, there is the issue of free will and responsibility for our actions. We desire free will, and at the same time pray for God to step in to save us when everything goes pear-shaped. For every right, freedom or privelege, there is a corresponding responsibility. Free will is the ultimate right, freedom and privelege, and the ability to choose our path(s) carries with it responsibilities and accountability, at the very least to ourselves. If He could (and did) step in and change things, fix everything, what exactly would be the value, the worth, of our free will?

Remember, that God did not save His son on the cross, despite his son's prayer, and that certainly has to rank up at the top of bad things happening to good people. We know that Christ died as a result of others' actions and decisions - of their free will. An intercession by God would have ultimately meant nothing: those who did not grasp Christ's message before, would not have been more likely to truly grasp it as a result of his being spared.

Finally, I believe that if we were to truly know - to have faith, trust - in our hearts, that our loved ones go on, and are in the presence of God, then we would have neither anger nor resentment nor anxiety about whatever bad thing might have happened to them, but only a sense of thankfulness and peace.

That's as close as I've got to the answer to the question of 'bad things and good people' so far. God is not some mechanic, constantly tinkering with the world in answer to people's prayers. God is not vindictive, is not pushing people into bad situations nor causing bad situations to happen in their path. I believe His real power - Truth - and our prayers are able to help and heal situations, if we understand what helping and healing are.

Sun or storm, I begin every prayer with:

Thank you God, for everything.
     Thank you for the good fortune in our lives and even for those things that seem less fortunate.
Thank you for life.
     Thank you for memories, thank you for experience, thank you for anticipation and hope.
Thank you for love.
     Thank you for those who love us, those whom we love, our friends, and for your love.
Thank you for laughter.
     Thank you for joy and humour and for the crazy contradictions and paradoxes in our lives.
Thank you for light.
     Thank you for inspiration and learning, thank you for your light which shines in others and that which we let shine in us.

Fact or Fiction

Skepticism is the beginning of Faith.
- Oscar Wilde

I do not believe that the Bible is a science textbook. Instead, I experience it as a rich tapestry which can't be appreciated by study under a microscope, but rather by the weave, the colours and patterns. Many fundamentalists argue that science is wrong and then attempt to use scientific methods to prove the Bible's validity. The Bible is plainly part story, part history, part fact, part poetry; it was written by people seeking for God, within their historical contexts. My belief is that one should not to be so fixed upon facts that one misses the Truth.

I believe the Old Testament is about Man searching for God and seeking to understand God's nature, and is essential in understanding the context for the Gospel. I believe Genesis is poetry about what Man thought God must be, and we see this in how the 'God' in Genesis evolves. The God described in Genesis creates a world, then realises He has not created what He wanted and destroys and rebuilds: This is not the perfect God fundamentalists would have you believe. But look at Genesis as a people searching to understand God and explain what they see, and I believe a new trust and faith will open, one which is secure enough to be vulnerable.

I believe that the four accounts of the Gospel contain the essence of the whole message. I must admit that I sympathise with the Bishop of Durham in saying that the stories, for example the virgin birth, are not 'necessary facts' for my faith. Like the Christian Scientists who focus on the stories of healing, the miracles are not the main point. Christ is the point, and if you consider his message you will see that he was thousands of years ahead of his - or, rather, their - time. Today, some 2000 years later, we still don't fully appreciate just how powerful, how simple and how Truth-full his message of love is. The Ten Commandments were an attempt in the Old Testament to describe the perfect law, like describing a person's journey by the footprint left in the sand. Christ distilled the laws into 'first-principles', and these first-principles are the basis for what I believe is a timeless morality.

I personally believe that the Epistles in the New Testament should not have been included in the Bible, or at least should be understood as very different in nature from the Gospels. Unfortunately, in my opinion, many see the Epistles as law; like canonising someone else's love-letters and believing that love can only be expressed in a manner consistent with those letters, regardless of the lovers involved or historical context. I believe they are about early Christians discovering what it meant to live according to a Christian faith, and are useful in forming our own spirituality.

While it may feel comfortable not to have scepticism, and to just 'be able to believe', as it were, I think scepticism has helped me to probe deeper. If, in the end, I don't believe, then at least that's honest. I've spent too much time fighting the 'comfortable misconceptions' society has which keep homosexuals locked in their closets, to then resign myself to my own set. Still, I have that 'niggling belief'. To say I am sceptical about parts of the Bible, for example, and as a result throw it all out, would only lend credence to the fundamentalists that say that it has to be seen as 100% fact. The people who wrote the Bible were themselves on a journey, and we can't lose sight of the fact that they were human and fallible, just like the holy men of today in Israel and Palestein. I don't see the Bible as the end of my journey, perhaps with the exception of Christ's message, which I do see as (part of?) the destination.

While I may be accused of interpreting Christianity to suit myself, I would point out the dangers of not interpreting Christianity and your beliefs of God based on your observations and views. Not to do so, is to deny that the people who wrote documents a few thousand years ago were human, just as fallible as you. Thousands of years of slavery - even 'endorsed' by the Bible - doesn't make it right. Thousands of years of misunderstanding about the Earth being the centre of the universe, or of the intricacies of human sexuality - don't count for one gram in the scales of Truth. The challenge is to try to do it in a way which you think takes into account both their and your prejudices. Even if a parent were not to change, still the children in growing up will change and understand things differently, and thus understand their parent in a different light. And the challenge is to remain open to learning, and always let Christ's two laws be the 'thumb on the scales'.

Take as example the following: I believe that man may very well all be vegetarians within the next couple of centuries. People will look back on their meat-eating ancestors and simply not be able to comprehend it. Will Christianity die, because people read in the Bible of animal offerings and sacrifices, and believe that no God could be consistent with that? If it survives, what will be the reasoning? I know that I can still believe, because it is consistent with people learning, growing, searching for their God - about a faith maturing. The Bible is not God, it's about people feeling about in the darkness, as the lights are slowly turned up.

But is God necessarily bound by science or logic? I am reminded of Ptolemy and Copernicus: Ptolemy had a model of our solar system in which everything moved about the Earth, and everything seemed to work out fine, for as much as we could see or understand at the time. Then Copernicus comes along, and devises a much simpler model which also works with newer discoveries. Logic and science may just be models which work, but don't actually explain the whole picture... we are so convinced nowadays that they are perfect - as convinced as the Catholic church was that Ptolemy's model was perfect - that perhaps we're blind to the big picture. I truly think we are "looking through a glass darkly".

Morality

Is there such a thing as one, fixed morality? Or should we apply situational-ethics or moral relativism? In my opinion: Both.

Is theft always immoral? What about a person whose child is starving and so steals a loaf of bread? In this sense, I subscribe to the idea of situational-ethics: The situation - both physically and mentally - in which our action takes place, are critical in determining the morality of the action. Nevertheless - and this is what I believe is the divine nature of Christ's message - the first-principles of morality are,

I believe that every moral law, every answer to a moral question in any given situation is based - can find its foundation - on these two laws. A 'sin' is not a state of being or a quality: Sins are exactly those actions which violate either of these laws. I try to use these first-principles to guide me, regardless of the situation. Yes, I often fall short.

Judgement

I believe in a God which is the very essence of Truth and therefore perfection. The ability to forgive is an element of perfection, and such a surprising element of Christ's message, which further alludes to his divine nature. I have known many people - including myself of course - who have done bad things, but if I were sitting before them in judgement, I could never condemn them to some sort of eternal punishment. If I can forgive, if I could show compassion, how could God, who is so infinitely more perfect than I, not? Could I condemn someone to an eternal punishment for not believing in me? What kind of 'loving' parent could cast their child into eternal punishment? These are questions I've struggled with. At the same time, I do believe that we are somehow accountable for our actions, or more precisely, that our spiritual condition determines the eternal outcome.

I don't believe in the popular image of Hell as flames roasting us for eternity. I believe the original texts referred to a refuse-pit, where their garbage was burnt. The 'flames' of destruction may burn eternally, but that doesn't mean it's some sort of eternal pain and revenge.

I believe that God judges us, not as a human judge would, but as a purifying fire. I envision God's Truth as a white-hot fire within which we shall all be proven. Those parts of our souls which are loving, forgiving and compassionate - which reflect God's Truth - will endure, and those parts which are our darker side will be burnt away. What could be a more eternal 'punishment' than our selfish souls being denied the presence of God's Truth? Not a continuous torture, but ceasing to exist. The irony is that while God's 'fire' is our judge, we are the ones who pass our own sentence. And so a just and fair God.

And what of the two people who are honestly and lovingly committed to an issue, but to opposite points of view? I believe that humility - the willingness within our souls to accept the Truth - when we are within the white-hot fire, are key.

Only the Bits You Want to Hear

An essay on my faith wouldn't be complete without a reference to my sexuality, as it has most definitely had a major influence on my faith.

"Being gay is a sin. Loving - emotionally and physically - someone of the same sex is evil." Those who say these things do so out of fear and misunderstanding. I have heard many people claim they held these opinions because "the Bible says so," but the fact is not one of them would believe otherwise if the Bible instructed them otherwise, and this fact exposes the real basis for their opinions having nothing to do with the Bible, but with prejudices.

Basically, there are three tired texts which people trot out when they want to show me how evil I gays are: Sodom and Gomorrah, Leviticus and Paul. Let me begin by pointing out that the very concept of homosexuality - the state of being gay, or a sexuality of being attracted to one's own sex - was only conceived within the past hundred years or so. Prior to then, same-sex sexual encounters were seen as individual acts of people satisfying an overabundant sexual appetite, akin to people stealing things they couldn't afford, but with the taboo of sex mixed in. To claim, then, that the Bible makes any statement regarding being gay, or homosexuality, is categorically impossible, as the concept simply didn't exist within the historical context. Translations which use words like "homosexual" are incorrectly translated and cause texts to be misinterpretted due to our very modern understanding of that word.

If the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is truly about the evils of homosexuals, then it necessarily follows that if one replaces every reference to sex between men, with sex between a man and a woman, the story would have to read as a story about the evils of heterosexuals: Surprise, it doesn't. Sodom and Gomorrah is about power and brutality towards strangers. And what about the daughter being offered up to the men for sex?

Leviticus's laws set out to separate clean from unclean and to secure a cultural environment within which the perpetuation of the Jewish people is safeguarded, and within a culture with superstitions. Christians no longer recognise these notions of clean and unclean. Any Christian who claims that homosexuality is wrong because of Leviticus, must explain why virtually none of the other laws are worthy of being observed: The eating of unclean meats, the wearing of mixed-fibre clothes, modern crop-farming techniques, and so on. And ask why Leviticus speaks of slavery and animal sacrifices, and allows for sex with slave-women under certain circumstances. Unfortunately, fundamentalists (at best) appeal to your prejudices to answer this issue, instead of recognising the failure in their argument.

Paul's texts speak of men who do not recognise God, do not pray or praise, worship animal idols and so on, and are therefore given over into - among a variety of other things - sexual perversion. He sees sex between men, again, as an act, which is the result of leading an ungodly, pagan life. I believe in God, and thank Him: I know my sexuality to be different than that which Paul was describing, and that it is not a result of a sinful life but a naturally occuring variation among humans (I just got lucky!). I am quite simply not the type of person to which Paul was referring.

I am under no illusion, and I am not trying to convince anyone, that Leviticus and Paul would have condoned homosexuality, had they even understood it. I have little doubt that people of biblical times would have condemned homosexuals. People throughout the centuries - good people - have not been immune to prejudices against that which they don't understand. But I believe the Bible is an unfinished book about people maturing in their faith - about the faith itself maturing -, and that maturing must continue.

As any heterosexual who cares to do the least amount of self-reflection will know, one does not choose their sexuality. I knew from a very young age that I was attracted to others of my own sex, and it is perhaps being different which makes one recognise that difference long before others recognise their sameness, if that makes sense. While I was aware of my 'different' attraction as young as four years old - and remember knowing its name by nine years old - others who fit in aren't aware of that.

Having said that, if I were given a choice, I would not change a thing. I see now that my being gay has been a blessing which has led me to search for God. Being different - having to discover and question the core of my identity - led me to ask the larger questions. And if sexuality were a choice, I don't believe it would be any more a sin than being a different colour would be, if skin-colour were a choice.

People sometimes ask how I can be gay and a Christian. I have absolutely no qualms about it: I know that being gay is not a sin, and expressing the natural love which I feel for my partner, within a mutually loving and respecting relationship - again, employing Christ's laws -, is not a sin. Attempting some unnatural sexual relationship with a woman would have been sinful: a lie, cruel to the woman and only an attempt to conform to others' expectations, trying to deny the person God created. My love for Hans and my relationship with him is every bit as perfect and valuable within God's eyes as any heterosexual relationship, and perhaps the fact that we have to fight for it has made it more meaningful. I am thankful for Hans.

Truth and Lies

I maintain a healthy scepticism of religious organisations because - as is the case with all human organisations - they are faulty. Nevertheless, I do believe that in order to enrich our spirituality it is necessary to share, challenge and celebrate our faith within a community of others who are searching. I have an aversion to evangelists - I suppose mostly due to the hypocricy of the modern breed -, but I believe no one has ever been converted from the outside in - nobody has been baptised by being drowned; I believe it is always an interaction between one's own spirit and God, and it starts with a (re)quest from within.

A safe organisation - one in which it is safe to explore your belief - is one whose doctrines and doors are free and open to all: Anyone may have and examine the doctrines without secrecy, no secret signs and exclusion, no payment is required to gain more 'knowledge', questioning is encouraged and welcomed, and doubt is permitted. The asking of questions is often more important than the having of answers, and people who 'have all the answers' have simply stopped asking questions. Remember that truth can sustain questions; it is falsehood that cannot.

The word 'family' used to be a warm, inclusive, welcoming word. It has been turned by fundamentalists and conservatives into an insular, exclusive word - excluding people, rather than welcoming them. This struck me once when I saw a sign, "Family Restaurant", and realised how it now made me feel unwelcome. Christ's message was not about exclusion and making people feel unwelcome.

Any organisation or 'religion' which condones violence, whether physical or mental, is a blatant lie, and therefore not of God.

If you are involved in an organisation which denies what God gave you - namely your free-will and inquiring mind -, intimidates you for seeking the Truth honestly, charges you money before revealing more of its 'truth', promotes a message of exclusion or superiority, or condones violence, then I would urge you to escape, and not to look back.

Your Own Path

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
- Oscar Wilde

I believe it is so important to walk your own path, even if it sometimes feels very lonely while everyone else is trying to be like everyone else. As comforting and reassuring as walking in a group may be - as much as it may take your mind off your personal doubts and insecurities - you have to be true to your own heart. If you simply conform, you will have wasted the greatest gift of all: a drop of unique existence in an eternal sea. Strive to be a 'vertical' person, and to be secure enough to be vulnerable.

If you'd like to discuss anything as a result of reading this essay, please feel free to send me e-mail at Scott@ScottOwen.org. I promise to handle your messages in the strictest confidence.